If there were ever fighting words, the headline of my story would be enough to make most men go down to Knuckle Junction. There is nothing that can get a man off the couch quicker than talking about his mom. Case in point, what is up with the ugly rumor circulating that LeBron James' teammate, Delonte West, slept with LeBron's mom? This is a fine example of playing the dozens but only on a greater scale. There are a lot of things in this society that are certainly off limits. For instance, it ain't a good idea to sleep with your brother's wife. Another prime example of "out of bounds behavior" would be sleeping with your best friend's wife. These are two examples of what I would call stretching the outer limits of human decency.
Is the rumor true ? Honestly, I don't know. Of course, we all know that LeBron's performance in the playoffs was not up to the mark. His teammate, Delonte West's play lacked a certain synergy that it had before the Celtics series. Whatever the case may be, I think the rumor is certainly a nasty piece of business. Much has been made lately of the role of the Cougar in today's society.
Cougar-An older woman who frequents clubs in order to score with a much younger man. The cougar can be anyone from an overly surgically altered wind tunnel victim, to an absolute sad and bloated old horn-meister, to a real hottie. Reference taken from the Urban Dictionary.
I would be sexist if I expressed my dismay about how older women corner younger men in ninth floor conference rooms all across America for clandestine late night sexual liaisons. But, alas, I'm sorry if I feel the overwhelming need to comment on these strange and frequent occurrences. I must confess that I am little bit miffed. You see, I was woken up this morning by a text message from an old girlfriend who just happens to be in LeBron's mother's age group. The text message had a half naked picture of my old girlfriend with an urgent request for whipping cream and another request that I make a timely arrival to her house. Of course, the request was obviously not meant for "yours truly." However the rascal that I was, I couldn't resist the chance to have a little fun with it. I first asked my old flame what brand of whip cream she wanted me to bring over. There was a considerable electronic silence on the other end. My next statement was to inform her that I thought the request was not meant for me. It clearly wasn't, which was fine. I then submitted another query asking her what she planned to do with said whip cream once it was promptly delivered to her house and, I'm sure, eventually to her sleeping chamber. Finally, I'm sure after much soul searching, she decided to respond and informed me that her naked text was all a big misunderstanding. The gentleman that I was, I told her that I was intelligent enough to gather that it was all a big error. However the mischievous little kid in me couldn't resist having more fun with it. In other words, I was not about to let her off the hook. You see I was traumatized as a young chap. In 9th grade I sat in Latin class while a priest, who by the way has take a vow of celibacy, grilled me repeatedly about the proper way to translate Caesar's Gallic Wars. Let's just say, you haven't lived unless you have gotten embarrassed in front of thirty of your prep school classmates for not doing the previous night's homework assignment. I figured I would pay it forward by not letting up on my old girlfriend.
I proceeded to persist in my investigation. I informed my old squeeze that I know there has got to be some sort of juicy story behind her mistaken text and, well, a brother wants to hear it. After all, I am sucker for a good story. Aren't you? I know you are probably wondering why this little scenario is relevant to the LeBron James' rumor, but as I said before Lebron's mother and my ex are around the same age. So am I accusing my ex-girlfriend of being a Cougar? No not necessarily, but I have to believe this mysterious whip cream delivery boy might be a little younger than me. Maybe it's true, maybe it's not. I don't know. I'm sure I will never get the truth. Do I have an ax to grind ? Absolutely not, the Constitution of the United States grants us all the right to pursue happiness in whatever way we see fit. My only objection is being rousted out of deep slumber by promises of homemade pancakes and whipping cream that weren't meant for me. It looks like I will be visiting my local International House of Pancakes, alone.
Anyway, we all know there is no shortage of older well heeled gentleman getting their groove on behind closed doors. The role of the older man leaving his wife in favor of the young secretary has been celebrated in works of fiction, movies and, unfortunately, in real life. The heart wants what the heart wants. As much as we don't want to admit it, a sexual liaison between an older woman and a younger man ain't got nothing to do with the heart muscle. There are a lot of muscles involved, but the heart ain't one of them.
Now back to the ugly rumor that has been spread. If it is true, it certainly would be a new low in team sports.